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(Frights! Camera! Action!) From Killer Santas to Undead Carnies: Ranking TALES FROM THE CRYPT Season 1

By. Davalyn Baker

 

TALES FROM THE CRYPT has made its return to Shudder, arriving with a bang. The episodes have been remastered with all original content available as well. Although there’s nowhere that states how Shudder acquired these rights, it was surely not cheap. Bringing all the episodes to any form of streaming is one of Shudder’s smartest decisions. I renewed my Shudder account the moment I found out they would be hosting the television show.

 

Unlike the other seasons, season one premieres with just six episodes. Short and sweet. With the show premiering late on weekends, HBO wanted to test the waters to see how viewership wouldbe. Presented in a 45-minute format with a high production value, each season is released weekly. This series was known for top-billing actors and amazing directors, too. The budget for the season had to be out of this world. Heavy hitters direct all six episodes: Walter Hill, Robert
Zemeckis, Richard Donner, Howard Deutch, Tom Holland, and Mary Lambert. The first season
premiered with amazing results, and thus, a television series began.

Since season one only featured six episodes, picking a top five would be redundant. I compiled a
list of worst to best:

Fair warning: there are a few spoilers in here, so hopefully you’ve already watched Season 1.

 

6. Only Sin Deep - Lea Thompson stars as a young sex worker named Sylvia Vane (a play on words, here) who is waist deep in self-obsession. She finds herself in a sticky situation after selling her beauty to a pawn shop owner (Britt Leach), a voodoo practitioner. It’s nice to see Lea Thompson play an imperfect, self-serving character. Despite the writer’s obvious attempts to
make her unlikable, I found myself rooting for her. As a supporter of women’s rights and wrongs, everyone deserves a great life, especially industrious women in the sex work industry. The biggest issue with this episode is the use of voodoo dolls, which is often a huge misuse in television and films. Showing small figurines that imitate African art has always portrayed a
huge misrepresentation of that origin, since the voodoo doll would be something that derived from Europe. Also, seeing a white person negatively practicing voodoo has always made me uncomfortable, being a native of Louisiana. This episode genuinely ages the series with the themes at play. First-time viewers will also have to wade through some of the muddier themes, because there genuinely isn’t anything wrong with a woman who sells her body to be obsessed with her body. It’s her paycheck, after all.

 

5. The Man Who Was Death – William Sadler stars as Niles Talbot, a prison executioner who is suddenly gets laid off after laws change regarding capital punishment. The tone is immediately set when Niles talks to us, the audience, about executing prisoners. He’s dismissive of their fear of death and shows absolutely no remorse. So, he’s presented as a psychopath. However, after losing his job, Niles decides to take justice into his own hands. There’s a lot and nothing
happening in this episode simultaneously. Something that would have helped this episode is tweaking Niles’ character a bit. Humanize him. He began this vigilante path with no reason except for the love of the game. No one’s paying him (since he lost his job and would obviously need the money), and there’s no real conflict where he could have killed someone who may have been innocent of their crimes. So much more could have happened in this episode, so I think it’s more of a missed opportunity than anything. William Sadler is great as he breaks the fourth wall, giving colloquialisms that justify his reasoning for becoming a serial killer. This episode seems the farthest from the over-the-top storytelling that comes with the series as it moves forward. His work as a vigilante grows steadily carelessly as he continues, done in an indistinct way that
really depends on the audience to understand this part of the story, if it continues. It does feel as if there’s a piece of the story that’s missing here. The transition from executioner to executed feels rushed as the story closes. By the end, Niles’ downfall is appreciated and accepted, so we can move on to the next episode.

 

4. Collection Completed – A grumpy elderly man named Jonas, portrayed by M. Emmett Walsh, discovers his wife Anita’s odd hobby after forced retirement and spending more time at home. Anita’s hobby is adopting all sorts of stray animals, unaware of how this has become invasive. Jonas, frustrated, starts his own hobby, which only highlights just how nasty his demeanor is. From the beginning, Noah is unlikable and as the viewer, you hope that Anita gets some peace from all his complaining. This episode seems light, however, and feels like something that would have premiered on an anthology television series such as Monsters or Tales from the Darkside, for a more general audience. In short, it’s too tame. Some viewers will find this a pleasant reprieve from the usual gore and sex in the regular episodes. A fun tidbit about this episode: it’s directed by Mary Lambert, who also directed another morbid story about animals: Pet Sematary. Had M. Emmett Walsh not portrayed the grumpy Jonas, this episode may not have worked as well as it did. If you, like me, visit doesthedogdie.com when an animal takes the stage in a film or movie, unfortunately, he does. But on a good note, so does the husband!

 

3. Lover Come Hack to Me – Amanda Plummer. That’s it, that’s the sentence. In this story, she plays Peggy, a (seemingly) naïve - to the point of frustration - newlywed, who is clearly being scammed by her new husband. Her aunt tries to warn both her and the husband, but neither seems to be paying much attention as the husband gleefully tells Auntie that she’s getting the eviction notice and won’t be around niece Peggy anymore. Peggy spends the first half of the episode as an inexperienced, young wife who seems oblivious to her husband’s annoyance with her. As the story progresses and she consummates her marriage, things go south very quickly until it becomes a blood-soaked ride with Peggy at the wheel. Amanda Plummer has a very particular skill, portraying naïve and insane all in the same breath. It’s brilliant. I enjoyed this
one because of Amanda Plummer’s dual roles. This story is also predictable, but Peggy commits to the bit in a lengthy line of murderous brides that shows true dedication. Marriage frauds just aren’t worth the trouble in the end.

 

2. Dig That Cat… He’s Real Gone - This one is fun, and though the twist is predictable, it’s the delivery that sells it. The episode stars Joe Pantoliano as Ulric the Undying, a sideshow performer. It begins with Ulric lying in a casket, breaking the fourth wall and sharing the story that led him to this very moment - buried and dying. He’s smug and ruthless, detailing his
success. After a cat’s gland is placed into his brain, he suddenly possessed the superpower, if temporarily, of being able to revive himself after dying. After that, he transforms it into a scheme to make money fast. With the running theme of each episode so far, he eventually begins to understand the true meaning of messing around and finding out. Cocky, Ulric kills the doctor who created his special ability. It’s obvious where his story’s headed after that moment. He’s a great character that you love to hate and is pleased with his downfall in the last moments of the episode.

 

 

1. And All Through the House - This is a quintessential Tales from the Crypt. On the surface, it’s about a woman named Elizabeth who murders her second husband. At its core, it’s a brilliant mesh of amazing writing and dynamite acting. It doesn’t waste one moment, telling the story within five minutes. Elizabeth hates her husband, who is a bit of a jerk, and she kills him. And now she must dispose of his body. While she’s disposing of the body (terribly, by the way), a news bulletin airs on the radio about an escaped mental patient who has gone on a killing rampage dressed as Santa Claus. This is such a fun episode, with some amazing chemistry between Mary Ellen Trainor and Larry Drake (aka Dr. Giggles). It’s a ridiculous premise that fits right in with what TALES FROM THE CRYPT is supposed to be. Larry Drake is fun as the demented Santa Claus, giving Mary Ellen Trainer a run for her money …all through the house. Hands down, this is the best episode of the first season. This episode is an adaptation of the 1972 segment in the original Tales from the Crypt film with Joan Collins as the lead. The ending is left open, but considering that this is TALES FROM THE CRYPT, we know where it’s headed. The portrayal of an escaped mental patient ages the show. Discussions of mental health in horror are never applied with critical thinking or grace, and of course, nobody would expect it with an episode on TALES FROM THE CRYPT. Still, this episode is the best, and if you wanted to introduce someone to the series, this would be the episode to do it. This episode is directed by Robert Zemeckis, who directed one of my favorite horror-comedies, Death Becomes Her, which feels like an elevated, extended version of some wild and crazy TALES FROM THE CRYPT episode.

 

Season Two premieres this Friday, May 8th, and has the most episodes of the season at a whopping 18 episodes. The celebrity guests are heightened with a season premiere featuring Demi Moore and Jeffrey Tambor. It’s guaranteed to be a killer!

 

Need more TALES FROM THE CRYPT? Check out Davalyn's list of Top 5 Episodes