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(Frights! Camera! Action!) TALES FROM THE CRYPT Season 3 Loses Some Bite but Still Hides a Few Gems

By. Davalyn Baker

While season 2 came in so strong with heavy hitters such as “Fitting Punishment”, “The Ventriloquist’s Dummy”, and “Cutting Cards”, this season seems to slightly falter, with some episodes that weren’t as exciting or, unfortunately, attention-catching as the earlier season. The celebrity guest stars do continue to grow, which surely helped gain more viewer count. Actress and comedian, Whoopi Goldberg, makes a special appearance in a Tobe Hooper-directed (yes, that Tobe Hooper) episode as a voodoo priestess, and appears in the post-episode scene mimicking a Johnny Carson-esque interview with The Crypt Keeper. And not even my love for Whoopi could save the episode, which also starred James Remar, John Rhys-Davis, and the late Vanity.

Michael J. Fox steps in as director and guest star of the Teri Garr-led episode, “The Trap,” which features a story about an abusive husband who creates his own trap in a get-rich-quick scheme that immediately backfires. Not one of the best episodes of the season, but it is fun watching Teri’s terrible husband get the end he deserves. Again, I love the TALES FROM THE CRYPT punishing system where every criminal eventually goes to the electric chair!

The season finale stars Kirk Douglas and his son, Eric, in what’s widely regarded as one of the greatest episodes of the series, “Yellow,” about a father and son who come to odds with each other during the war. It’s the longest episode of the entire series and takes on a serious task, discussing the true horrors of war.

Want to revisit where the Crypt Keeper first dug himself out of the grave? Check out our ranking of TALES FROM THE CRYPT Season 1.

Given that the second season had such a strong follow-up to the first, losing your spark in season 3 is disappointing. By now, the series has found its footing and understands its audience. This season, for now, is my least favorite.

That said, there are still a few I did enjoy.

“Carrion Death” - Kyle MacLachlan stars as Earl Raymond Diggs, a mass murderer who escapes from prison just before receiving his TALES FROM THE CRYPT -earned execution. Diggs may be the prettiest but definitely not the brightest crayon, so quelle surprise when he attempts escape to the Mexican border through the Arizona desert when a cop and a vulture (Schrödinger's, if you will) begin to pursue him. The cop eventually catches up with him, and the two men tussle before Diggs gets the upper hand. The cop, in a last-ditch effort, handcuffs them together and swallows the key while dying. What follows is a hilarious series of unfortunate events in which Diggs gets exactly what’s coming to him. MacLachlan spends most of the episode solo, showcasing his comedic talent with some cheesy, dumb criminal one-liners and hijinks that otherwise wouldn’t work well. It takes a chance on the actor and succeeds in the end, and the audience will see how much MacLachlan is having fun as the ne’er-do-well.

“Top Billing” - Barry Blye, a down-on-his-luck actor portrayed by Jon Lovitz, is having a rough day. Sheila, the casting director (Sandra Bernhardt), rejects him after an awkward casting audition. To make matters worse, he runs into a former friend and fellow peer, Winton Robbins, who reminds Barry of his own lack of success. The two exchange words, with Winton reminding Barry that the reason he’s doing so great in his career is because he has “the look.” Barry accuses Winton of only being an actor for the check. Barry’s girlfriend Lisa dumps him for another man, and he gets evicted. The following day, after previously seeing an advertisement for an audition in Hamlet, Barry goes for it, sans agent, completely ignoring that nothing about this audition looks right. Again, he runs into Winton, who is here to prove to Barry that he could get the role of something just as prestigious as Hamlet. However, after being scrutinized by an intense director, Nelson Halliwell, Barry learns that Winton wins this role again. And it’s the role of a lifetime. What follows is more bad luck for Barry, who murders Winton in a jealous rage to steal the role from him, not realizing that the character the cast needs him for requires no dialogue. They need “the look!” Jon Lovitz is perfect as the self-deprecating Barry, who just seems to stumble through his misfortunes the entire episode. You want to feel sorry for the guy but feel satisfied with the ending because he honestly deserved it. This is a fun episode with some amazing legacy actors, such as John Astin, Paul Benedict, and Louise Fletcher.

“The Reluctant Vampire” - Malcolm McDowell and a terrible wig star as Donald Longtooth, a vampire who ironically hates killing. His nights are spent working at a blood bank. Things get strange when his boss, Mr. Crosswhite, notices the supply of blood does not match the records. Because Mr. Crosswhite is terrible, his first thought is to lay off the employees, Sally (Donald’s crush), only offering to save her job if she does “special favors.” This is a great episode that turns the tables, making the vampire our unsung hero that the audience roots for as the story escalates. Donald goes against his rules of no killing when he decides to save everyone’s job. He kills several bad guys in town, doing what the police can’t. A tale as old as time. This involves the police, alongside the aid of Van Helsing! This episode is so ridiculous that it’s great and possibly one of the best of this season. Seeing Malcolm McDowell play a vampire with a heart of gold is incredibly fun. This episode doesn’t take itself seriously, and that’s what makes it work.

“Mournin’ Mess” - Dale Sweeny is an alcoholic jerk of a journalist portrayed by Steven Weber. He’s a classic TALES FROM THE CRYPT protagonist realizes his mistakes long past he makes them. The episode starts with someone or something roaming the streets targeting homeless individuals and taking literal chunks from them. Dale, who is not on the best of terms with the editor, gets the idea for the story after he crosses paths with a homeless man named Robert, who has been accused of being the “Homeless Killer,” after the police find his friend’s body. Robert tries to warn Dale that something is amiss, and he needs to investigate an organization called Grateful Homeless Outcasts and Unwanted Layaway Society (this got a chuckle from me). But before Dale can actually do the job he promised Robert, he sleeps with Jess, the G.H.O.U.L.S spokesperson, instead. Eventually, Dale loses his job, his apartment, and his well-being. He unfortunately ends up in the same situation as poor Robert. Naturally, he learns just what the organization’s actual task is. Steven Weber is fantastically skilled at playing a jackass that deserves everything that’s coming his way. The best surprise is seeing Rita Wilson portraying Jess, a woman who has as much of an ulterior motive as Dale. This is a great episode that is buried in this struggling season and is underrated in my opinion.

The showrunners may have been ambitious, trying to different ideas but the formula for season 2 just works. Hopefully, season 4 will be better. It premieres this Friday, May 22^nd. This hasn’t changed my excitement for newer seasons, but I’m hoping the next will come stronger.